Clothes month update…
On the surface, this month has actually been great. Since I’ve been so busy being glued to my computer with daily group or online class meetings for grad school, I have not gone out much or done much mingling on week nights or weekends. This has made it fairly easy to wear the same clothes over and over again. Even the times I’ve been out, I haven’t really considered others thoughts about my clothes. I’ve even surprised myself with how little I’ve thought about it.
My weakness isn’t in the love of clothes or accessories.
The thing is, going into this whole month, I knew that fashion isn’t my thing. On an average day, I only wore basic accessories – watch, earrings, and wedding rings. I picked comfy clothes and shoes that I wear most of the time anyways. So, I have actually enjoyed the lack of variety. Simple, comfy, and quick. That is how I do clothes.
Now, that is just the surface level.
I really do care about how I look. It is deeper than the clothes I wear. My weakness is in how much I care about being very pale, as in Casper white. It is in how much I care about being short, yet not so petite. I use clothes to try to mask these things. It isn’t about how cute the clothes are, but about how much the clothes can hide the parts of me that lead me to struggle in the beauty or looks department. I'm not even sure why I struggle so much. Who cares about skin color or body size, right? Society, I guess. Jesus wasn't even a handsome guy (Isaiah 53:2). Nevertheless, I struggle. Wow...it is really hard to type this knowing that other people might read this, but I guess that is a part of being real and vulnerable.
This is me, weaknesses and all. If you pray, please pray that I can continue to confront this and continue to know that God sees me as beautiful and that is all that matters.
Oh, and as I read this to my hubby before posting it, he reminded me that he loves me and finds beautiful and that matters too. :)
I truly want my focus to be on a different kind of beauty…“I want to belong to a Christian community known for a different kind of beauty, the kind that heals and inspires.” – Jen Hatmaker
I love this post. And I can relate. Thank you for your honesty. And your heart. :)
ReplyDeleteWe talked about being tempted to think about what other people think in Bible Study recently. Which was really interesting on several levels. It made me think back to when I first joined the study and noticing all of the girls are tiny-tiny. My height or taller, but tiny. The only time they're bigger than me is when they're pregnant. Kara and I talked about how initially it was intimidating. I came into the Bible Study thinking "wow, I'm a giant and not in a good way." Now that I know them, I don't think about it very much. I'm not sure if it's just not what I think about when I think about them or my heart has changed a bit, or a combination. I think it's a struggle for a lot of females (really sad), and I think it's easier to accept others where they are at while keeping high expectations for ourselves. And unrelated, I've always admired how much your family's eyes stand out. And I remember being very attracted (this seems like the wrong word?) to your warmth and the way you held yourself. And praying for you. And end paragraph :)
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